HAHARELESSIKREA

JEWISH HOLIDAY

2011-12-21T06:11:00.001+01:00

'What's that Jewish holiday when you dress up in red costumes and fake beards, exchange presents and then die in huge numbers?'
'Jewish holiday? Hm… no, doesn't ring a bell.'
'Oh, now I remember. I'm thinking about the Santaclaust.'
'Santaclaust? Really?'
'Yeah, it used to be huge like 70 years ago'
'Come on, there's no such holiday, surely!'
'No, no, I'm absolutely positive that's what its called. The Santaclaust.'
'Seriously, I can't believe there is a holiday like that. Santaclaust… No way.'
'Oh, I see. You're one of those Santaclaust deniers. That's not cool mate. Really not cool.'

TRADE

2011-08-18T06:19:00.004+02:00

I traded my face for a bag of crisps. Not the brightest idea ever. Ah well, win some lose some I suppose.

RANKING OF IDIOMS FOR 'EASY' BY ORDER OF DIFFICULTY

2011-07-03T00:58:00.005+02:00

A hot knife through butter
One, two, three
Falling off a log
Stealing acorns from a blind pig
A, B, C
Stealing candy from a baby
A piece of cake
Pie
Taking a shit in a tuba
Shooting a fish in a barrel
Fending off a ferret with a fork
Living off sunlight
Solving the Israel-Palestine conflict
Finding God in Kalamazoo

GAY CAKE

2011-07-02T23:47:00.002+02:00

Even the most staunch evangelical must admit that some things in life simply need to be gay. Like cake. A straight cake would be something like one of those government issued birthday cakes in the GDR – slices of crusty, dry bread held together by a plastery mix of condensed cream and artificial sweetener.

No, the only good cake is a gay cake.

SWEATSHOP, DAY 8

2011-05-17T01:11:00.004+02:00

I'm beginning to nod off at my station. Within seconds, the Chinese foreman is there, slapping me awake with his bamboo stick. 'You work! You work, or Sting!', he says. Or Sting… I can't let that happen. Not again…

If you fail to meet your quota by the end of the day, they turn down the lights in the factory, hoist a giant backdrop with a mediæval, Dutch landscape painting, and start the smoke machine. As the last of your co-workers leave the building and the heavy machinery goes silent, he enters. The former Police frontman himself, dressed in a period costume, appears at the other end of the room. Accompanied by the foreman on a guqin built for the Yellow Emperor Huang Di, he recites 14th century Flemish love poetry for eight hours straight; his tantric visage less than an inch from your face as his breathy voice slowly grinds everything you know, everything you love and everything you believe to a pulp. Those who don't lose their minds tend to double their output over the next weeks, working feverishly into the night until they pass out over their equipment. And they never, ever miss their quota again.

'OK, OK. I will work harder! Please, not Sting! Anything but Sting!'

2011-03-09T04:50:00.005+01:00

Planning a trip this summer? Need a fast and comfortable way of getting to work? We have the perfect solution for your travelling needs!

A boat made of wafer thin strips of the finest Vermont bacon, with a mast consisting of six prepubescent children who are too scared to move, standing on each others heads, and an exquisite, handcrafted sail made up of more than 80 live seagulls.

For those who find it difficult to get up in the morning, our alarm clock "Man in a Green Body Suit" might come in handy. It is simply a man in a green, long-sleeved body suit who gently wakes you up by putting lukewarm pork chops on your genitals at a time of your choosing.

If you get the Bacon Boat/Alarm Clock Combo Package, you will also receive a complementary 4 x 12 metre tinted glass wall that no-one will acknowledge (not sold separately)!

All this will be yours for just 16 eggs from free range mice, the county of Dorset and a rabbit with a skewed self image!

TO BOLDLY GO

2011-03-04T13:47:00.001+01:00

'We're going west', he said, 'to see what the sun is up to'.

CONVERSATION

2011-03-02T16:49:00.005+01:00

– So, what do you do for a living?
– I'm a geneticist.
– Ah, like Barry White?
– Eh… no, no… you know, I work with genes. Genetic code.
– Yeeeah… soul man, hey?
– I think you've got it mixed up. I'm not a singer, I'm a scientist.
– Oh OK now I get you. You're in it for the women? Lathering them up with that bedside barytone of yours, hey?
– You don't seem to understand. I analyse genetic material, you know, the stuff that decides what species we turn into when we're born.
– Now I'm confused, are you saying you hate black people? Because that's not cool.
– What? No, no! That's not what I'm saying. I'm talking about genetics! You know, haplogroups, DNA, chromosomes… that sort of thing. Nothing to do with black people at all.
– But you are Barry White?
– Barry White? Do I look like Barry White?
– Yeah!
– But I'm a short, skinny white guy! I'm a scientist and my name's Steve, I told you. OK?
– Now, that's exactly the kind of thing Barry White would say!
– What's wrong with you? Why the hell do you think I'm Barry White?
– Look, I know Barry White when I see him. Just admit it.
– For fucks sake… OK, you got me. What gave me away?
– The voice and the body, obviously. And the print on your coveralls that says 'Even if I insist I'm a geneticist called Steve, I'm really Barry White. If I deny it, just keep pushing it until I confess.'

SINGALONG

2011-01-26T19:29:00.002+01:00

When the Boer hits your eye, and you do not know why, that's apartheid!

GOD

2011-01-10T13:50:00.003+01:00

God lost his job as a janitor. God came to work drunk. God is unemployable. God can't create anything anymore. God is too old. God cries alone in his flat. God drinks alone at night. God falls asleep in his own piss. God can't afford the gas bill. God is not needed. God remembers his youth. God can't remember his youth. God makes too much noise late at night. God gets into fights with his neighbours. God leaves the rubbish in the hallway. God blames the Jews for killing his son. God is afraid of black people. God has joined the BNP. God writes steaming letters to the editor. God thinks he's being watched. God can't stand the smell of curry. God browses for barely legals online. God cries when he comes. God browses for male minors in makeup. God can't come. God drinks to forget. God forgets to drink. God lost his job as a janitor.

AARDVARK

2010-12-17T18:45:00.004+01:00

A small, hairless animal with a proud, lean snout protruding from its fore is rummaging around in the undergrowth somewhere in the grasslands of Africa, going about its business as on any other day. Suddenly, someone calls out from behind an acacia tree:

'Hey, aardvark!'
'What was that?'
'You, aardvark!'
'What did you call me?'
'Aardvark. That's what you are, isn't it?'
'What? Fuck no, my name is Richard.'
'No, no I'm quite sure you are an aardvark.'
'Hey, seriously, I'm Richard. Rick is fine, but whatever is was you called me – not OK. Not OK at all.'
'But you actually are an aardvark. I didn't come up with it.'
'Look mate, if you want to be an aardvark that's fine, but I just won't have it. You're the aardvark!'
'Actually I'm an antelope.'
'Yeah, you would be, wouldn't you? "Look at me, I'm an antelope, I'm so cool with my cool antlers and my cool name!" Fuck you, you're an aardvark! You're an aardvark!'

A small hairless animal, crying itself to sleep in the burrow as the sun sets over the Serengeti. From now on nothing will ever be the same.

GAME

2010-11-05T01:17:00.002+01:00

Shall we play ignore, ignore? I'll ignore you, and then you'll ignore me and then we'll see who's more ignored. After that we can ignore the result of the contest, and see who does that better. Then, of course, we'll completely ignore whatever outcome that comparison yields. And whoever best ignores that will be the winner. The winner then can go on to graciously ignore the other until the game is over, unless the loser ignores the game all together, in which case we'll have to start over again, provided none of us ignore the fact that the other completely ignores the game. After all, it takes two to ignore the tango.

SQUARE ONE

2010-10-26T09:20:00.001+02:00

Now, exactly where I was before

and still

I miss

that thing I never had

DOGS

2010-10-11T20:28:00.003+02:00

When dogs get tired,
they rest on furry paws,
on balconies and railroad tracks,
on lawns and shoes and shores,
on slippers and shoes,
on pillows and laps,
on mats and rugs and carpets,
on cushions,

on blankets,

on Tuesdays,

on couches,

on clothes,

and on other dogs.

PERSONAL ADS

2010-07-14T22:02:00.005+02:00

"Angry man with acute sense of smell. Large cock and a goatee."

"Friendly non-smoker who enjoys taking long walks in the forest. Hates animals and Belgium."

"Avid sailor with bad table manners and questionable political views looking for animals that can fit into his pocket. And women who like animals that can fit into his pocket."

"Thin, relaxed and afraid of herrings. Likes fencing, Chinese whispers and smack. Looking for a woman who looks exactly like John Goodman."

WHISKERS

2010-04-28T04:20:00.001+02:00

No man has longer whiskers than I.

And I have none.

It is a sad, sad world.

FLABBERGASTED

2010-04-23T07:42:00.001+02:00

I can't get it into my head that people still believe in the phonebook. In 2010. Unbelievable…

A BRIEF HISTORY OF TIME

2010-04-21T14:41:00.004+02:00

Before the concept of time, events unfolded haphazardly, sometimes congesting as they slammed into the bottlenecks of reality. Fortunately, the industrious Greek laid down a plan to schedule the temporal aspect of the cosmos so that things would happen one after another, in a strictly implemented serial progression – thereby inventing causality. Due to the limitations of the original design, only one event could take place at any given time. This effectively froze development in many parts of the world (the classic example being the Bactrian baker who had to wait for two and a half years before he could take his bread out of the oven).

At around the same time, in India, the first drafts of circular time were being conceptualised, but inadequate technology and an inferior model for product development made the project an impossible endeavour, and public interest waned as progress halted.

Time moved forward linearly, more or less along the lines of the original serial protocol, until the Renaissance, when an aspiring German scientist devised an algorithm for parallel temporal progression, which allowed for several events to take place simultaneously. This would later facilitate the European conquest of the world, since most cultures were forced to choose whether to shoot first and ask questions later (or the other way around), whereas the British marksmen could interrogate their enemies while firing round after round at them in rapid succession.

By the late 19th century, at the peak of European colonialism; in the wake of the rationalisations brought about by the industrial revolution, a proposal was put forth to the British Chamber of Commerce to merge time with money. The proponents of the scheme argued that the process of measuring labour in time, converting the time into money and then exchanging the money earned for commodities was inefficient and wasteful. Vast resources were spent on convincing the public of the merits of the idea – a nation wide information campaign christened "Time IS Money!" was launched, and over 2000 volunteers were sent out across the United Kingdom to sway the conservative minds of the rural population.

Slowly but surely public opinion began to melt to the idea, and a few years into the new century the final steps were taken to bring the plan into action. But just as the issue was about to be brought to vote, the British government learnt that a hostile takeover between Time and Space was well under way, masterminded by a patent office worker in Switzerland. The Germans were backing the merger, the Double Monarchy, Italy and France were all in favour, and the British had no choice but to come into the fold.

One hundred years later, any reform of the state of things is very unlikely, since all countries, international bodies and multinational corporations are so deeply enmeshed in the military-industrial space/time continuum that uprooting the current system would most probably result in huge financial loss and cause a complete meltdown of the structures that bind society together.

WHO'S THAT MAN?

2010-04-09T02:26:00.004+02:00

Have you ever seen a man who drags his feet, works his fingers to the bone and puts his money where his mouth is? All at the same time? In front of a live audience?

Linus Gabrielsson is that man!

Linus Gabrielsson – don't beat him, don't join him, just watch him!

Watch this space for more dazzling tricks, exclusive offers, and the odd horse!

MIN FRU SKA HETA HALVMUSTASCH OCH HAN ÄLSKAR JESUS

2010-03-06T03:40:00.009+01:00

Han står blodläppad hallåtanten på Stureplan ropar taxi kommer hem ska åka för inte trevlig kväll det har varit. Alla gånger bara prata men inte ska förstå för vill en annan sak komma med hem men den gången går inte gör huvudsmäll mitt på tantens mun som gör ont och har blod. Pengar alla fall i väska som tur inte gjort av så kan komma till sitt hem.

Nästa dag och dagen efter den ska inte vara glad till alla hej vad roligt träffa dig och så. Ganska sur och gnällig med fortfarande blodmun och sticker och drar i läpparna som trasiga. Varför det ska bli konstigt ofta när vill bara prata? Inte sant att han ska vara stolta tanten som jobbar TV4 berätta för alla tråkig attityd. För man bara säger jag tycker bra jobbar TV alla vet vem man är säger hej TV-tanten ska dricka som ska jag betala ta lite bild på foto och så. Alla kan prata om jobbar utan kommer tråkiga kille stoppar huvud fort på mun så kommer blod för inte vill ska följa efter till hemmet och ligga. Faktiskt mänskliga rättighet.

Vecka innan tanten sitta lunchätning med andra tanten och killen som också kollega knapra nyttig sallad och bulgur fastna mellan tänderna gapskrattar fast de andra inte tycker roligt. Livet ska inte vara lätt att leva den här veckorna för tant som inte bara vill vara till besvär och ha roligt.

BARGAIN

2010-02-16T10:48:00.004+01:00

What if you could get all you ever wished for, all you ever wanted, all the things you ever desired – at the price of everything you ever had?

BIRD TIME

2010-01-19T15:24:00.001+01:00

Watching an old bird do the old bird routine outside my window, I suddenly realise that all means of transportation take you to the future.

PICTURE

2010-01-17T15:17:00.002+01:00

Will you take my picture, before someone else does, and put it in your pocket for safe keeping?

NOIR

2010-01-08T07:55:00.011+01:00

This one was particularly vile, its frog has been sweltering in the bag for at least a dozen nautical miles. Further down the alleyway five short stops from the Avonsdale Gazzette ground the beans to a halt, wavering in their quest for business opportunities. People all around, dogs, car horns, radio dials gone haywire... This is no time for badgering, the marksmen have been and gone and the first to come won't be the first served.

Time to shift gears. This is it, the final call. Take it or grieve it.

I'm coming.

THE YEAR OF OUR RIGHT HONOURABLE SIR LORD 2010

2010-01-06T02:56:00.003+01:00

New times again, new fingers in their wake, looking for hands to attach themselves to.
The feathers and the snakes putting a damper on transfer speeds, just as they always do. Grown men will weep, grown men will build things, grown men will hug and dance and steal and talk about other grown men who weep and steal and laugh and talk. Thus have the times become.

What will be the lesson learnt from the years gone by?

- If you dip your tail in the coffee your fur will get wet.

OH LIFE…

2009-12-05T04:19:00.004+01:00

The Fermi paradox, if by whiskey, Bessel functions. And love. And frogs.

The only time for all of this is cookie time. So it is said. Is there more? What more can there be?

I will meet again, rest assured. I know where. I know when.

Pondering has had its day, time for sleep and sausage vomit…

PLANS AND THEIR GANGING

2009-11-11T16:25:00.002+01:00

Yesterday I vowed to lay my plans better next time, lest they go agley. I felt very good about myself for making that decision. But then this morning I ran into one of the most respected plan layers in Europe. I was utterly shocked by what he told me:

He claims that even the best laid plans; the top percentile of all designs; the crème de la crème of schemes (in terms of laying), not just occasionally but often gang agley.

Often!

And ganging agley is obviously something that should be avoided at all costs. Especially when it comes to plan laying. It turns out agley ganging in plan laying accounts for almost 32% of reported domestic violence, 44% of all child abuse, and a stunning 87% of the rest of the problems in the world.

So, if improved laying will not prevent the plans from ganging agley, then what do we do?

I'm at a loss…

ISLAND

2009-10-21T16:46:00.005+02:00

No man is an island.

Except for this guy:

WORLD

2009-09-30T17:36:00.001+02:00

The world begins with me.

And it ends in Lichtenberg.

TRIVIA

2009-09-27T05:20:00.001+02:00

Christians believe that the Holy Ghost, Jesus Christ and Charlton Heston are somehow the same person.

Collectively they're known as the Holy Trinidad.

QUESTIONS

2009-09-25T23:33:00.002+02:00

There's a couple of questions that have been haunting me:

Do you really need the truth?

Who are you?

And what's the difference?

THE DIARIES OF CHARLTON

2009-09-22T18:09:00.001+02:00

When Charlton Heston started writing the Bible he never intended for it to be published. It was more like a private diary type of thing. Soon enough he realised that there was a huge demand for that kind of book.

And the rest is history.

Or fiction, as it were.

MY FAVOURITE THINGS

2009-09-19T17:35:00.002+02:00

Duct tape and seaweed and rimshots and danger,

Fieldwork and whetstones and feltching a stranger,

Birds in a blender with glue on their wings,

These are a few of my favourite things.

BRIDGES

2009-09-17T05:54:00.003+02:00

I considered adding the gadget "Pictures of Famous Bridges" to my blog.

I decided against it.

Bridges are just too camp.

SNAKE

2009-09-13T04:54:00.000+02:00

It twists and turns and wriggles and twists and turns, for lack of better things to do.
A twister, a turner, a wriggler by nature; twisting, turning and wriggling its way into the minds of people, women and horses is its trade.

Such is the nature of Snake.

Even without minds into which to wriggle its way it wriggles and twists and turns.

Such is the nature of Snake.

GLASS

2009-09-12T00:28:00.002+02:00

Who is afraid of glass? I mean, not broken glass or anything. Just ordinary glass. How I would love to pick the brain of someone who's genuinely afraid of glass…

AFTERLIFE

2009-08-11T01:32:00.001+02:00

Hey, Jesus! You promised to show me your face if I said your name when I died. Come on, this isn't fair! You promised! Come on man, take that shopping bag off your head and let me see your face.

OK, fine... be that way.

Damn, I knew I should have gone with the fat Indian bloke.

DESPAIR

2009-07-08T00:33:00.001+02:00

I just can't get it right - everything I eat turns to shit!

HOBBIES

2009-06-06T00:13:00.002+02:00

I like revolving. And spinning. Spinning and revolving, those are my passions. And spoons. Horses are fine too, but scary. Sometimes it's nice to be scared. When I feel like I need something to rattle my cage a little, I think of horses. But normally I just spin. Or revolve, depending on how romance I feel.

THE BASEL SYNDROME

2009-05-29T00:23:00.001+02:00

I know exactly what you need.

I know exactly how to get it.

But I can't help you.

GREENLAND

2009-05-26T23:20:00.000+02:00

Why don't we give Greenland to the Jews? I mean "a land with crappy people for a people with a crappy land", wasn't that the slogan?

MIDGETS

2009-05-09T12:50:00.001+02:00

Midgets in reverse,
midgets in reverse…

There is nothing worse,
than midgets in reverse.

OF LOVE

2009-04-14T06:32:00.000+02:00

They say love conquers everything…

Well it can't conquer wood, that's for sure. And wood can't do shit against love either. Trust me, I've tried everything in the book when it comes to fighting love with wood. It just doesn't work. But I'm not completely out of options - next up is celery. That should do the trick.

I'll keep you posted.

PROFUNDITY

2009-04-03T05:11:00.001+02:00

Who cares about spoons anyway? Isn't there enough of that as it is? Show me the one who knows and I'll give you the man. No, wait… Give me the child who knows that and I'll give you the man who knows that, as the old paedophile saying goes.

Everything is so much easier when the sun is shining.

AFRICA, DACAPO

2009-03-16T21:36:00.003+01:00

Africa! Oh yes... Heat. Snakes. And... well, you know.

Time has yet to come to this continent; sun, however, they have in abundance. And apparently, in their blood - bloodclots, oxygen and antibodies!

Or is it rhythm? Who knows what they have in their blood really... I for one have never really bothered to check.

So then, the Truth has returned to Africa. I can only hope they are prepared for it.

HER ROYAL KATENESS THE KATE

2009-02-16T01:57:00.000+01:00

And so she's gone,

with her kindness and her sadness,

with her Kateness and her madness,

to someday sit, in a distant tomorrow, on the beach with the birds and the badgers,

alone with her memories

of things

that never happened.

BADGER!

2009-02-14T10:29:00.003+01:00

MAKING PORRIDGE IN THE FOREST

2009-02-11T18:44:00.002+01:00

Where is the forest? Do badgers eat old porridge? When making porridge in the forest one must know these things, otherwise things might go wrong. You must get it right, you see. Wednesday is the day, and you want to be able to smile and pat your minge for a job well done when it's over. Come Thursday it's time for sleep and silence, and the porridge in the forest must be done by then.

Time is drawing near... we must hurry. The fire and the mushrooms and the trees are waiting for us outside Uncle Tom's cottage. I can hear the badgers whisper...

CLOSING TIME

2009-01-29T02:40:00.004+01:00

As the bottle was about to hit the floor, Joe straightened his jacket and locked my gaze with his faki-faki-long-time-pouting mouth as he wiped the leftovers from tomorrow's banquet from his mourning eyes. 'Count your blessings, your freckles and your children, then we can talk'. Good old Joe.

There was commotion in the kitchen. Something was about to blow. The cook staggered wordlessly through the crack in the door, homing in on my good intentions, flapping his unshaven fingernails in my blank face. 'I'll have to fight the good fight. And I'm all alone'. No-one's got my back, or any other part of my body. The bad fight will have to wait, but the good one is inevitable. The sous chef blew the whistle. He was ogling me from across the room as if to record every hint of emotion in tomorrow morning's special. He stir fried his rice in such a way that if stir frying rice could kill I would be the king of Spain.

I have seen better days. Ok, fine… Mostly on TV. But still.

KITTY

2009-01-26T15:46:00.001+01:00

The grey hat. Any hat. Kitty can have any hat she wants. As long as she remembers to put the green vegetables in the green bowl, and the green vegetables in the green bowl.

And Kitty isn't sleeping on the stairs. Rather sleep inside then, where it's nice and warm. No, Kitty won't be sleeping on the stairs. And nobody's laughing at Kitty; Kitty with her grey hat and her sore nose and her discipline and her salmon.

In her dreams, Kitty can't get to sleep. In her sleep Kitty dreams herself awake. Dreaming of sleeping and running and rest, she sleeps.

Kitty can have any hat she wants.

NOTHING

2009-01-18T16:25:00.001+01:00

We watch the past
slip through our fingers,

without effort.

In time
it will turn

into nothing.

LIFE

2009-01-16T08:28:00.000+01:00

And life goes on, as if something has happened.

And the future turns into tomorrow.

And I am not yourself today.

And that is all we know.

LOSS

2009-01-09T04:30:00.002+01:00

The Lizard Man has brought his people back to Namaqualand.

God, the Japanese insects and the people of the Bush greeted him with sticks and jazz, with faith and reason, with insight and pseudo-science.

There, perchance, he can rest;
in love and loss;

in deceit and forgiveness,
until the end of days,

and beyond forever.

Goodbye my friend.

And I'm sorry.

NEW TIMES

2009-01-03T22:14:00.001+01:00

New year, new times… The old times have merged with the past, the new times are biting the future in the tail, like in the Chinese saying. In the end all times, good and bad, will turn into memories, the memories in turn will become stories, and those stories are what history is made of. Stories and time, time and straw, that is what history is, those are the building blocks of history. History itself is the building block of the present, for better and for worse, till death it do part. But times have changed; death doesn't do part anymore. Nowadays death mainly does advertising and dabbles in graphic design. It also keeps the doctor away by means of an apple. Death uses an apple a day to keep doctors away. Away from fire, for example. Away from work. At times away from home for long stretches of time, to the detriment of their families. Sometimes death keeps families away from doctors as well. No-one knows why. Some things are not meant to be understood I suppose…

So welcome to these new times which are exactly like the old ones except that they haven't yet gone by. Which they will, by the way. Trust me.

CURRENT AND FUTURE AND FOREIGN AFFAIRS

2008-12-22T13:36:00.003+01:00

The penguins are at the gate, the Queen's white horses are coming to take me away. Demoted to the leader of the cucumbers, I no longer know what my prospects are of ever making porridge in the forest. A strange ride it has been indeed…

Foam at the tip of the nose, eyes fixed on the firmament, panting and speaking of salmon and fighting and whiteness and fruit, as it listlessly drums with its hooves on my head; the fears of this once proud mare now greater than mine.

I thought it was the gas, but maybe it was really just Mouse-Jack, Hair-Jack. Like so many things in this world.

I hope the future will tell,

but then the future
never speaks

until it's over.

NEW FEATURES

2008-12-16T00:08:00.001+01:00

This is the kind of post I promised myself I would never soil my beautiful blog with. Oh well… Here goes:

I added the Reverb Nation player so you can listen to some of my music whilst getting your daily dose of Truth. You must listen.

There are also a bunch of links on the right hand side that you have to click to add me to your favourites, follow my blog, become a fan, get a blow job and stuff like that. For every visitor who doesn't click every single one of them a seaman child molester lighting a cigarette with a candle will die.

And finally you can help the Freemasons collect information about how my posts are received by ticking the 'True', 'Suspect' and 'Horse Free' boxes under my posts. These options are not mutually exclusive, even though it is hard to imagine a post being both true and horse free at the same time.

SERVICE

2008-12-15T03:45:00.003+01:00

One year in the service of Truth. So far my 167 posts have attracted 1495 visitors, only 5 of whom ever believed what they read, and 2 of those have a very limited command of the English language. I am beginning to suspect that the Freemasons aren't happy with my work. I think they expected more of me when they hired me to spread the gospel of Horse on the Internet. I can only hope that they will be forgiving enough to let me continue with my equine epic one more year. After all, 2009 is the year of the Horse according to the Maltese calendar. I know I can find a way to make the Truth find its way into the found ways of the homes of many found million ways in the next 12 months, not to mention the hearts and minds of millions, found or otherwise. But I have seen what the Freemasons can do, and I know that there but for the nose of Horse go I, Elsa Beskow…

THE STATE OF THE UNION

2008-12-07T23:18:00.002+01:00

The Lizard Man, the friendly foe, will at long last bring his people back to the desert – to meet God, and the Japanese insects. And we will all bow, and shake our head in disbelief. One day maybe he and I and Gästrikland can all row together on The Queen's white horses into a glorious future where time runs free and old habits die on request. There we can drink our coffee from Sokrates' cup (after it's been washed properly).

And with these words I shall leave you to ponder your fate and the state of things to come, and maybe rest your weary feet by the fire that the midgets (funny people, sorry) never made.

This, I believe, is what life is all about.

THE REST OF MY LIFE

2008-11-30T17:07:00.000+01:00

I wake up with a smile on my face,

because I know,
that today

is the 51st state

of the rest of my life

THE TRUTH, AND HOW TO GET TO IT

2008-11-24T02:39:00.002+01:00

'The truth is always somewhere in between', they say. That's food for thought… Let's see here:

The Nazis claim that all Jews are evil. The opposing liberal standpoint would be that some Jews may well be evil, but not all of them. But the truth is always somewhere in between, and the midpoint between some and all is more than half, right?

Well what do you know…

DARK SVERIGELEJON

2008-11-21T10:37:00.001+01:00

Dark Sverigelejon is your friend. Dark Sverigelejon knows you. Dark Sverigelejon is a damp cloth on your shoulder when you need a damp cloth on your shoulder. To cry on, for example. Or to put out a small fire. Dark Sverigelejon is the hope for a better tomorrow, and a slightly better past. Dark Sverigelejon – your horsefisher in the dark Sverige. Lejon.

MIDGETS

2008-11-16T01:26:00.004+01:00

From now on I will refrain from using the word midget on my blog, as it is no longer considered appropriate. I apologise for any harm my choice of words may have caused. Henceforth I will instead use the term preferred by the FPA - funny people.

CHALK

2008-11-06T06:21:00.003+01:00

Chalk - one of the least controversial substances on earth. No one has ever declined to buy property because of the presence of chalk in the neighbourhood, no brothers have slain each other over chalk, no revolutions, no coups d'état, no genocides have ever been inspired by chalk. That's why I'm voting chalk in the next election.

Chalk: A Safe Vote - Today, Tomorrow, Always!

INVITATION

2008-11-04T18:19:00.001+01:00

Hey Mr Fish, would you like to accompany me and Mr Bear to the Church of Joseph Krauss of Modern-day Saints to do some foraging? And maybe later we can make stick insects? Do you think we can use some of your mother's Philistine foreskins to make hats for the insects? Oh, you're busy grinding your teeth. All afternoon? I see. Oh well, no harm in asking. What? My questions gave you Herpes? Oh my, I'm sorry Mr Fish. I had better shut up then.

COINLIFE

2008-10-28T21:16:00.001+01:00

The head of the coin is not aware of the tail of the coin, even though they fiddle with each other's backs from time to time. You know, 'you wash my hands, I scratch yours'. That sort of thing.

MY FELLOW MALACOSTRACANS

2008-10-21T01:14:00.001+02:00

Ah… Here in the delightful technological backwaters of the capital of the world's third largest economy it is not easy to get the Truth out there to you people. I found myself disconnected from the International Web of Information Supernet - my only means of communicating with the living. In these dire times the Truth is badly needed, I know. I am doing my best to get through these technical difficulties so that once again I can be the torch bearer of lard. And horses. The horse bearer of Truth, as it were. If that's what it were…

Bare with me, in the moonlight, by the river Spree, you will soon see the truth…

CHANGE

2008-09-30T06:30:00.000+02:00

In the past the future was promising. Today the future was yesterday.

A DARE

2008-09-15T21:08:00.001+02:00

- Take care of yourself.
- Who are you to tell me I should take care of myself? I can take care of myself, thank you very much.

SUNDAY MORNING

2008-09-10T17:04:00.005+02:00

Sunday Morning… yes, you know. A glass of sherry, strolling in the park, all the while the Lizard Man tries to kill me. Hard to keep the Japanese insects away… Focus… Focus.

'But I don't understand', she said. Time for the foot technique. The one thing that solves everything… Toes grip fleshy shoulder, truth becomes apparent.

I manage to catch the grief with the bedspread. Now all will be well.

I know it.

ROADWORKS

2008-09-04T22:37:00.000+02:00

I tried to pave the road to Hell with my good intentions. If only I had known that intentions, good or otherwise, are no suitable substitute for asphalt when it comes to constructing a road…

TRUTH AND TIME

2008-08-31T02:49:00.001+02:00

Time again to talk of truth and time and the things they're made of.

The truth I know when I see it. It is made of words, and it follows you around until you surrender. Such is the truth.

Of time I know nothing, and neither does anyone else, no matter what they say. It can be good, at times it is bad, but never does it outstay its welcome.

ADVICE

2008-08-24T04:37:00.003+02:00

'Let go of your fears', said the horse as it galloped towards the edge of the cliff.
'Oh, those were my fears? I thought they were reins. Thank you, horse.'

BEAVER

2008-08-20T01:13:00.000+02:00

Beaver make a hat. He make a hat for the head on the Beaver. Mother of Beaver told Beaver the hat is good for making friends. Smile comes on the face of Beaver when he thinks of friends that will be his when hat is also his. Big smile with flat beaver teeth. First friend is going to be small and good for playing Lawn Bowls. Second friend is little bigger and very angry when poked in eye with hazel twig, which Beaver will do every day and laugh and chase second friend away and shout 'angry ugly cripple! angry ugly cripple!'. Third friend is not really friend. Third friend is lots of fruit. Beaver not sure if the hat will help for fruit, but Beaver sure is hungry.

Beaver make a hat.

NICHE

2008-08-18T23:59:00.000+02:00

In the folds of reality

where time is made of straw and words are made of time

I live

between future sins and past transgressions

LOSS

2008-08-13T23:41:00.000+02:00

Maybe time
will take from me
what I never had

and I will have to bear

the loss
of nothing

ANTS

2008-08-11T01:16:00.001+02:00

The ants are building an anthill in my sitting room. It goes without saying that I can't have an anthill in my house. So I've decided to call the ants 'friends' and the hill a 'lounge'. Now I go to bed with a smile on my face every night, knowing that my friends are in the lounge downstairs, if I need them.

NAMES

2008-08-06T01:33:00.000+02:00

I named my daughters Fanny Strange and Fanny Ha Ha. It was all in good fun, but it turns out they have no sense of humour. Especially not Fanny Ha Ha, fanny strangely enough…

UNEXPECTED

2008-08-05T01:17:00.003+02:00

Something given to me in the cold of the moment, a hissing of most ridiculous proportions, a scent of badger mixed with desire, wrapped in cling film and denim, covering my entire field of vision, re-enacting the birth of Napoleon with an ironic twist. Ice, rubber gloves and messianic Judaism plastered on the fermented brick walls of modern day saints, waiting ruefully for relief, in whichever form it may come, in ever which form it will come it will in form ever which ever, failing myself with a skip and a grin as I tower beside the bed of a deflowered Sudanese midget catcher with love and rage as his companions in times of strife and tyre swings.

NAME

2008-08-03T19:05:00.003+02:00

Sometimes, when I feel lonely, I pretend that my name is Steve, and that I've never forgiven my parents for giving me such a ridiculous name.

LESSON

2008-08-01T01:42:00.001+02:00

'Quickly, come up here! I'm in the tree. Women can't climb trees, we're safe here. Hurry!'

This was the day when James realised he couldn't trust everything his father said to be true.

ITALICS

2008-07-31T11:48:00.002+02:00

- Do you know?
- What?
- No, do you know?
- Do I know?
- Yes, do you know?
- I do know.
- No, do you know? In italics.
- I can't hear the difference.
- But this is text. Can't you see the difference? Know - know?
- Yeah, I suppose…
- Good. So do you know?
- I still don't get it.
- Fucking hell, I hate trying to explain meaningless things in italics to imaginary people…
- Sorry.
- No you're not…
- I mean sorry.
- That's better.
- What?
- I said that's better.
- No, you said 'that's better'. Did you mean 'that's better'?
- I don't know.
- But do you know?

WISDOM

2008-07-28T03:22:00.000+02:00

They say the Devil is in the details and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Funny - I always thought it was the other way around…

REVELATION

2008-07-19T17:15:00.000+02:00

The gas melts away
and light points
to where beauty lies

NEW THINGS

2008-07-16T21:01:00.000+02:00

Nothing is there to meet the eye,
but then nothing connects to nothing and something is brought into being.

And then, in the blink of an eye, it's gone.

DIRECTIONS

2008-07-15T01:22:00.000+02:00

If you have a choice, you must always turn left instead of right. It is the right way to go.

But what is right depends on which way you're facing…

CYBERSPACE

2008-07-09T18:40:00.004+02:00

1000 visitors in 7 months – that would make my blog one of the least popular pages on the Internet. Maybe I should get a banner up for some stallion gang bang site. That could do the trick. I mean, people who love the truth must be into smut too… Smut with an equine angle. Proud and potent smut featuring very large noses and an unreasonable number of legs… And good lighting. I have to look into that. I might have struck gold here… stay tuned.

SLEEP

2008-07-05T20:57:00.003+02:00

Tonight I slept so long I woke up a janitor. Didn't see that one coming…

I suppose I should go sweep the floors or something.

SAVIOR

2008-07-04T15:14:00.001+02:00

You are a prime example. You are not held back by guilt, you are not floored by indecision. We're all grateful that you're here. Everything you do is mountain dew, all you want is pie. Your will is beyond your control, your control is beyond reason. Beyond reason is desire. That is why we love you. That is why we need you. You are what we are, you wish what we sleep, you tell where we stand. Our faith is your finger, our will your baring. Outside of this we think together, at times conceited, albeit reverent. But never shy. No swan shall ever challenge us while your hands lie upon our head; our head always covered by sight - never hesitate, never triumph. This is your will. We can make you happen. Betray us now and we will forgive you forever.

COLON

2008-06-30T11:54:00.000+02:00

Paragraph no. 2: How to finish a sentence with a colon: Write anything that comes to mind, then put a colon: Like this: Colon: It all begins again with: A sentence that ends in a colon: A sentence which ends in a colon: Here is a sentence that ends in a colon: An incomplete sentence that ends in a colon: With a colon: End a sentence in a colon: The sentence that ends in a colon: This sentence ends in a colon: The following sentence ends in a colon: This sentence will most likely end in a colon: The last sentence ended in a colon, much like: This sentence, which ends in a colon, as in: A sentence that ends in a colon.

THE SECRET

2008-06-29T04:43:00.000+02:00

I've figured out how time works. You won't understand, but I'll tell you anyway:

Inside information, behind the curtain, a man claps his hands. For every clap time progresses, and every time progresses time, coming full circle to bite its own tail, mark my forehead as a warning and fill the world with swan song. So it begins to end; by now it moves beyond and straps itself to itself for itself by itself with itself. Until it starts anew.

And that's it.

NURSERY RHYME

2008-06-27T03:47:00.001+02:00

I learnt a new nursery rhyme today. It goes something like this:

How is the wood chuck wood chuck wood if the… wood… something. No wait…

OK I know it doesn't have to be about wood. I'll try again: How many dogs would a dog man dog if… no fuck…

How many hows would a how how how if a how… how…

Right, I know I get the idea, but somehow it doesn't work…
How many stocks would a stock chuck sell if a stock chuck… would sell stocks?

OK that's it - I'm voting for the Nazis in the next election.

LANGUAGE

2008-06-23T05:58:00.002+02:00

Being wrong in French

is so much more appealing

than being right
in German.

SPAIN

2008-06-18T09:12:00.006+02:00

I asked a man if he knew where I could find an Internet café.

He gurgled at me.

I asked another man how to get to Plaça de Espanya.

He gurgled at me.

Then I asked a woman where I could get some cigarettes.

She gurgled at me.

Well Spaniards, two can play that game. You shouldn't have started this.

You'll regret it…

BARCELONA

2008-06-15T23:56:00.000+02:00

In Spain no one wants to hear you scream.

PROVERB

2008-06-13T04:28:00.002+02:00

You can flog a dead horse's mouth to water, but you can never put a gift horse before the cart, nor should you trade it for a kingdom. But of course, you know all this already…

WORDS

2008-06-12T23:37:00.000+02:00

Sometimes I wish that someone would stop me before I use up all the words I know. The prospect of having to spend the last 30 years of my life in silence rather worries me…

TRUTH

2008-06-10T23:43:00.002+02:00

But sometimes, I've learned, truth is not a harbinger of horses. It is but something that congests your airways…

WHERE THERE IS TRUTH…

2008-06-08T17:14:00.004+02:00

If you find yourself having trouble breathing, there might be some truth in the air.
Because where there is truth, there are horses…

SPECTATOR

2008-06-06T23:53:00.001+02:00

Would you be so kind as to step into my TV, so I can point at you and laugh at your shortcomings, your flaws and your appearance, without crossing the line for what is morally acceptable?

NEED

2008-06-04T12:57:00.001+02:00

I feel an urgent need to ponder, to ponder large things, things with, and without, taste, that lack, or have, sharp, rough and pointy edges, things that remind me of times in the past when I was happy, and things that are new to me, and to the world, and others still that bring other things to mind, and yet have no connection to those, which they bring. To mind.